.the 'at-leasts'.

At least you are young.

At least you have your other children.

At least you can get pregnant. 

At least your other kids are healthy. 

At least you will be able to time it better next time.

These are all said with good intention. We know that. They aren't helpful. The 'at leasts' are causing more harm than good. It is such a difficult situation to be in, on the other side of someone's grief, pain, and heartache. The person who reached out to you, isn't asking for a response that will make them feel better or one that will make the pain go away. They reached out for you - to be there. With the grief, pain, and heartache they are feeling, they need a balance of love, comfort and support. Just being there helps.

{"I am so sorry, I am here for you."}

This pain is going to be there for quite some time. It can last for a lifetime. With the loss of a child, you can be prepared - this will be a pain that will last forever. It may have gotten quieter throughout the years, but it is still very alive inside. The smallest things will mean so much. 

{"How are you today? I am here for you."}

There are so many firsts on the journey of grief. Some people think -- don't bring it up -- it will only cause them pain and heartache. The pain is already there. But by acknowledging their child, by saying their name, by sending that card to their parents on their birthdays thereafter. By doing that, you are making the pain stop for a brief moment. You have now brought a smile to their heart. That someone - besides them - loves their child too. 

{"Happy Birthday in Heaven Sweet Angel."}

For the children who are still living, those with special needs. They matter too. Staying away, because you think that family already has their hands full and doesn't want to be bothered, again - more harm than good. That interaction is longed for by that family, knowing that just because they have a different family dynamic, doesn't mean they are cast away. That support is so vital and key.

{"Let me know how I can help. I am here for you."}

Below is a link to a video that I think does a amazing job at demonstrating the 'at-leasts' to the 'i am here for yous'

http://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

.six, one, high risk and ivf.

{this is the story of a mama who has had several losses}

This is my story. We started ttc 2009 and I got pregnant a month later but miscarried. Six months after that I miscarried again and a third one after that. I was devastated and felt so lost. 

At this point we finally found why and I have a genetic balanced translocation with a very high risk to miscarry as the fetus might get severe diseases and abnormalities. We don’t know the exact % but in general they say more than 50% of the embryos inherit a genetic variation of my translocation which leads to death.  

So, I got pregnant a 4th time and got a daughter after a very tough pregnancy with a lot of anxiety - I also got an epileptic seizure during labor which put as both in danger. Luckily it all went well. 

After Ebba we paused for a year and a half and then decided to give it a new try. I miscarried at 10 weeks, 4 weeks and 17 weeks in a row. 

Now we are getting help with IVF PGD which is IVF with genetic analysis of the embryos where they only transfer healthy ones back. 

Our first PGD cycle failed and right now I’m devastated - got the bad news last week. Follow my journey here on Instagram when we are trying for cycle number two. 

Love, Sandra

{will update with Instagram name to follow Sandra}

.the first holidays.

{The first holidays and all of those after.}

The first holidays are the hardest, but in all reality - every holiday, event, special occasion, they are al hard without a loved one, especially a child that should be there who is not. 

Below are some tips or ideas on how to include your babies in those moments. To remind us - that the bonding experience doesn't have to end just because they are no longer with us. 

• Include them in photos with either their urn, photo or keepsake (i.e. teddy bear, pillow, etc)

• Put a stocking out for them - add something to it every year

• If you buy ornaments for the family, include one for them. Get one with their name or picture

• Buy them an outfit. If it was supposed to be baby's 1st Christmas, get that onesie and make that memory. 

• Include their name in the holiday card. 

• Write your child a letter. 

• Express your feelings to those in your support group. Don't feel like you can't talk about how you are feeling.

The holidays are are very emotional time and the added grief of losing a child can make them feel overwhelming - to a point where you may think you can't handle them. Remember to breathe and take a moment. Take a moment to just think about your child - take a moment to include them. Remember you are strong and that your child is always with you. 

.tristan edward.

{this is the story of a baby boy who passed away due to NEC}

Written by his mother, Heather

'When I was a little more than 25 weeks Pregnant with my son I was beyond excited to know I made it past that point of “Viability” I went to the doctor and my blood pressure was through the roof. They immediately sent me to the hospital telling me I was being admitted and would probably stay there until I had Tristan. I wasn't scared in fact after just a few days I was begging the doctor to allow me to go home and be on home bed rest.

But then after a week on Tuesday August 19^th my blood pressure spiked again, and then blood work showed my liver was failing I was taken to L&D that night thinking it was just to monitor me as they had done before then the house physician came in to tell me we would be doing an emergency C-section the next morning, I was scared but calm, I cried for only a few moments and then realized I had to stay calm so I made the calls to my family and to my dear boyfriend to come and be with me, the next morning before I knew it I was being prepared to have my son due to medical issues the doctors decided I had to be put under full anesthesia when I woke up I was in so much pain and I was totally out of it. I then was moved to ICU my boyfriend had met our son and showed me pictures but I wasn't allowed to leave ICU so I didn't meet him that day but Tristan Edward B. was born on 8/20/14 838 am he was only 1 pound 8 Ounces he was ventilated less than 30 mins and then he was moved to cpap because he was trying so hard to breath on his own. The next day I woke up and all I wanted was to see my son, I wanted to run over anyone who was trying to stop me from seeing him. So much so that my boyfriend went searching the hospital for my doctor to get her to release me to see Tristan, and then I finally did. I was scared to death my first time in that NICU I don’t think I breathed for the first 5 minutes but Tristan was beautiful he was strong and he daily shocked the nurses and doctors… Tristan was never ill he was so strong and was such a fighter. Then after 25 days I got a call it was the day after my baby shower they said Tristan was sick he needed to be put on the Vent they needed permission to run tests. We immediately got up threw on clothes and got to the hospital, the baby I saw that day no longer looked like my beautiful boy, he was swollen his coloring was different and my world crashed. We stayed at the hospital that night, the next morning Tristan went in for major surgery moments later the doctors came in heads low and informed us he wouldn't make it… Necrotizing Entercolitis, NEC took my son and no one can tell me why. I went back to that NICU and I held my son I sang to him and then I told them to turn on the vent and let him go I rocked him and sang to him he was with me and he was so loved he was wrapped in his mothers and fathers love when he went to heaven on September 15 2014 at around 1230pm 

Tristan's story will be told as long as his daddy and I are on this earth.'

R.I.P. Sweet Tristan

.carrying to term.

Below are letters written by mothers who carried to term, despite a poor or fatal prenatal diagnosis.

These letters are written to mothers who are going through this journey, those who don't understand why we chose this path, and those who simply want to see what the thinking behind our choice was.

******************************************************************

My daughter passed away at 18 weeks due to Turners Syndrome. I found out during my NT scan that she had a cystic hygroma and fetal hydrops at 12 weeks I was devastated, that same day they sent me to have the CVS procedure done. When I went home and told my family the news they immediately began telling me that I shouldn't bring a sick child into the world because they would only be suffering and that the family would suffer along with the child my husband had the same mindset. That night went I went to bed I began thinking about what I wanted after all I'm carrying the baby in my womb, and what I could live with. I came to the decision that I wouldn't terminate the pregnancy even if the baby was diagnosed with something. A week later I got the result that I was having a precious baby girl with Turners Syndrome. I was a bit relieved that it wasn't something else, but at that she only had a 2% chance of making it to term because of her cystic hygroma and hydrops. I prayed and remained with hope that she would be the miracle that would make it. I had purchased a doppler and I would listen to her heart beat every morning and that would help me get thru the day. At 18 weeks on 05/24/13 the day that I was going to have done an ultrasound and a echo cardiogram to check her heart. I checked for her heartbeat as I did every morning and I couldn't find it. I knew my beautiful little girl was gone they did an ultrasound at the hospital to confirm a few hours later and she had passed away. I chose to be induced because I wanted to meet my little one the doctors warned me that she would look different because of the excess skin of the cystic hygroma. It didn't matter to me I loved her and that was all that mattered she was beautiful to me. Losing her was the hardest thing, but if I had to everything all over again I would do it in a heartbeat. That was her battle not mine. Who am I to decide when her life would end this was her battle and I would let her live for as long as she could and I loved her every second of everyday and held onto hope that she would make it. I carry a little piece of her with me everywhere as I got her hand print and foot print tattooed on my wrist that way I am never without her.

-Maria's Mom

******************************************************************

When I was first making my decision I knew I wanted to carry, but I was scared that I'd make Christian suffer. Perinatal Hospice reassured me that if he was born alive they would do whatever they could to make him comfortable. And the more I thought about it, I thought that termination would cause suffering for the baby in its own way. One doctor kind of made me feel like I was putting my baby through suffering just so I wouldn't have guilt, but he must not have been thinking about how unpleasant termination would be for the baby. This was my baby and I wasn't comfortable with his logic of just getting it over with. I just pictured what it would be like to terminate my much wanted and much loved baby and all I could picture was myself sobbing and saying "I'm so sorry" to Christian. But with my decision I never felt like I had to say sorry to Christian. It was a hard few months of the unknowns, but carrying him is something that I'll never regret. And when I got to hold Christian, even though he was stillborn, it was all worth it because I got to spend time with him and felt at peace as much as I could at that moment knowing I didn't have to think of the what-ifs.

- Christian's Mom

******************************************************************

Why didn't I terminate you ask?  Sure, it would be easier and I might already be pregnant again with a "normal" baby, but how could I so easily forget the life I have had inside me for 21 weeks now.  The life that I felt occasionally wiggle around, the lfie that I long to see a heartbeat on every two weeks. 

Sure, it might be easier because my child will no know pain or suffering.  It might even be easier because I could ask to not even see my child.  What you don't know can't hurt you right?

I chose to carry my son because of the immense love I felt the moment the stick said "Pregnant."  The immense love continued to grow every time I saw that little heartbeat.  I can still remember hearing it fill the room the first time with the doppler.  I cried, and I cry now just thinking about it.  That same immense love I keep talking about, it continued to grow as I sat in the hospital for 5 and 1/2 weeks trying to give my angel every chance at life I could, even if it was going to be short.  Three times a day, for 5 and 1/2 weeks I sat listening to my son's heart galloping through my empty hospital room.  My goodness, I had no idea what love was like until those moments with just my son and I. 

And then the day came, 6 days after I had given birth to say goodbye to my sweet angel, and not once did I utter the words "I am sorry," to my son.  All I kept saying was "I love you, and I wanted you so badly."  Holding his beautiful little body as he left the world will always be the hardest thing I've ever done, but those moments were amazing.  I can say that my child never felt any pain, sadness or anger.  All my son felt was the never ending love that I gave him from the moment he was just a speck on the screen, to the moment he was 2 lbs, 1 oz. 

Why didn't I terminate?  If I never get to carry a child inside me again, I know that for the brief time I was pregnant, my body was a beautiful, amazing home to my gorgeous son.  I count every stretch mark I have, 6 months later, and I wear them as a badge of honor, for every mark to me is proof that I loved another human being beyond measure. 

-Charles' Mom

******************************************************************

We were given a poor diagnosis around 12 weeks. Each appointment just confirmed the previous findings. We were holding on to hope that we would beat the odds. At our 20 week scan, the doctor told us that he wasn’t going to make it and laid out our options. We had chosen to terminate that weekend. Monday was the appointment. I received a call from Kathy, I told her I didn’t really want to talk, I was in shut down mode at this point. She told me that she would touch back in with me and put the idea in my mind, that I could continue this pregnancy. Once I found out how the process was, to stop my baby’s heart, I just didn’t think I could go through with it. I didn’t want him to suffer, I didn’t want to make that choice. We had an appointment Friday with a specialist. I spent that week at home, bonding with my little boy. He was kicking and dancing and going crazy in my belly. By Friday – I couldn’t go through with our original plan.  We thought if we terminate we can try again and be pregnant before the end of the year. How selfish I feel saying that out loud now. I spent a week with my baby boy and I knew it wasn’t my decision to end his journey. It was our job to fight for his journey. The doctors said he wouldn’t make it much longer. They were wrong. We beat the odds, just not the odds we wanted. Oliver was with us for 34 weeks and 5 days, we watched him kick in my belly and listened to his heart beat every night. We played music for him and watched as he kicked his feet to the beat. We made memories with our son. After meeting him and seeing how much he looked like me and his daddy, kissing him, staring at his beautiful face and full head of hair, how could I have even considered terminating? Our bond continues to grow, I write letters to him every night, talking to him, telling him about the memories we made and about his family and how we look forward to seeing him again.  Oliver knew no pain. He only knew love and warmth. I thank God every day for blessing us with this miracle baby.

- Oliver's Mom

******************************************************************

.mama blogs.

Here is a list of the blogs by our fellow mamas. 

{Feel free to head over to any page & read about their journey.} 

• oliverfelixsuarez.blogspot.com

• http://mourningmoms.jimdo.com/

• http://serenitylaylahopeirby.blogspot.com/

• http://lovelilyjay.blogspot.com/2014/08/our-story.html?m=1

• https://miracleforbabyerwin.wordpress.com/

• http://willamichele.blogspot.com/

• http://lovingsilas.blogspot.com/2014/09/birth-part-1-every-thing-is-going-to-be.html

• http://www.tothelostones.com/

.lily jay.

{This is the story of a precious baby girl born sleeping on June 10th, 2014}

Written by her mother, Mary

[Below is a piece of her blog]

''On Monday, June 9th I started to have contractions. I called the dr. to see if I should go in and I was asked if I felt her kicking.  Come to think of it, I didn't feel her much that day but I ate something sweet and waited for the kicks.  Lily Jay was a kicker the whole 9 months and on June 9th, she stopped kicking.  I thought it was weird but I was told it was probably because she had no more room to kick.  Fair enough, that totally made sense.  They asked if I wanted to come in or wait for the contractions to get stronger.  I decided to go in and start this process to finally see my baby girl.

I checked into the hospital and when they went to check the heart beat, there was no sound.  I was thinking, maybe thats not the right machine and they were looking for something else.  Then the dr came in with the ultrasound machine.  That was the moment our lives crumbled, there was no movement.

The dr. calmly said, "I'm sorry, there's no heart beat".  I couldn't even cry because I was in such shock, I didn't understand how this can even happen. The dr. said, "It just does, it can just happen".  He then explained that I would have to deliver her naturally since a c-section was pointless at this point. I begged to just have the surgery done because I didn't think I could mentally handle all of this.  Unfortunately my crying and begging was denied and I prepared myself to deliver my precious Lily Jay. 

The next day on June 10th at 5:17pm, after 24 hours of labor my little angel was born. Weighing 5lbs 15oz and 21inches, happiest moment of my life was the saddest day of my life. The baby I loved and carried for 9 months was gone.  My body was empty, my arms were empty and now my heart was empty.  She was literally the most beautiful baby I have ever seen and Im not just saying that because I created her.  She looked JUST like my husband did as a baby and had his beautiful full hair. My husband and I spent time with her the next day and promised her that she would never be forgotten and she would always be our little girl.

***********

Again, I am a believer in everything happening for a reason and I like to see  Lily as only a positive in our lives.  Although the outcome was not ideal, she made me and Johnny way better people.  We got married, moved out of a less than ideal neighborhood, my husband went back to school at night and I left a stressful job.  She made us realize that things that seemed to matter and make us upset, don't really matter.  She made us appreciate life more, live life more and to not sweat the small stuff. We decided to have her cremated so that we can spread her ashes in places that make us happy.  We live in San Francisco and love to drive up and down the coast.  The weekend before she passed we took that long drive and talked about all the places we were going to take her. I will keep my promise and take her there, spread some of her ashes and just know that every time I see the ocean, she's there. Another way we want to honor her is to spread her ashes in the soil and grow lilies. The most important thing to me is to not let her be forgotten and I will honor my little ones life the best I can. 


And to Lily Jay Lucatero, thank you. You have made both of your parents who they are today. Fly high my angel, mommy and daddy love you.' 

Below is the link to her blog to follow her journey

http://lovelilyjay.blogspot.com/2014/08/our-story.html?m=1

R.I.P. Beautiful Lily Jay

.tylan neil baskin.

{this is the story of a baby boy who passed away 

after due to heart complications}

Written by his mother, Katrina

'It was spring, March to be exact, when I found out there was a sweet child growing on the inside of me. I was afraid yet excited to take on this drastic change into motherhood. I never thought I would become a mom so young, but then again not fully thinking is what brought me into this situation. Each day became a new experience as I watched my belly stretch and become round and tight. Not being able to properly sweep the floor was the assurance that this was by far much more. More than I could image, that is. Heartburn and I became quite the friends to each other as I grasp for air by night. I found it difficult to wash my hair and my back became one with my hips and thighs. That round tip of my nose spread to the point of no return and the rising of my cheeks still bring me to haunting memories. All of these things seem like they were the worst  possible but they made me even more curious to see the guy behind the change.

As though things weren’t already enough, I was about to enter into a crisis like never before. Little did I know, my pregnancy was about to travel on a road of pure darkness. This darkness I’m speaking of was a never ending drama filled feast. A feast in which I wasn’t warned of or knew how to properly handle. For I was about to deal with the harsh reality of family. I know you maybe puzzled so let me explain. Family is defined as a specific group of people that make up partners, parents, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, and in-laws. Typically, the members within the family tend to love and support each other for their growing efforts. This surely wasn’t the case for me. Just as always I was singled out and criticized. Even though my unborn child had nothing to do with this, he was a part of me so he was hated from the very second of conception. You see, I thought that my son was a blessing but not all viewed him this way. The thought of me giving birth seem to upset a few people and they were sure to express it throughout the entire pregnancy.

On one particular morning, I was awake by a phone call. Clueless to the fact, but this conversation would be the molding structure of my life. I was awaken by a raging voice constantly screaming every negative and degrading word possible. The reality of what was being said was overwhelming. To avoid listening to this toxic, I immediately disconnected the call. Within seconds, she repeatedly dialed my number. I then took it upon myself to completely turn the device off. After about fifteen minutes later, I power my device back up only to find a voice message. Although I wasn’t expecting it to be anything positive, I definitely wasn’t expecting to hear an earful of threats about terminating the life of me and my unborn. I had already dealt with this issue seven and a half months, which was the term within my pregnancy, and this was by far the drawing line. Being an adult, I find it unrealistic that a young lady and mother can even get to a level of disrespect to hurt or harm an unborn child. Especially, to a child that is her very own family member. Even so, I rose in rage and the anger in my body flowed throughout my veins like loose water in a garden hose. Just as most women do, I called my mom and she immediately came to my rescue. Shortly after, I became very ill. I was rushed to the local hospital in which I was misdiagnosed. Luckily, I was released on a Saturday and had an appointment with my doctor on that following Monday.  

Monday morning as I strolled into the clinic the nurse begin her procedures. As she begin taking my blood pressure she notice that something wasn’t quite right. She then immediately call doctors to discuss what she saw. As they all huddle around me, I feared something was terribly wrong. Soon after I found myself being admitted to the ER for emergency delivery. My blood pressure was sky-high and both my unborn and I were at risk of losing our lives again.

On Oct. 10, 2006, you appeared. My first glance startled me a bit. It hit me that I was finally a mother. Tylan Neil Baskin, the first born for the both of us, weighting in at 5lbs 6oz. Quite amazing, he was almost the same exact size as I when my mother birthed me. My little Neil you were the most precious gift and nothing else was equal to your worth. Your beady eyes were locked in with mines and the grip of your fragile little fingers were tightly wrap around my hand. I watched you as you slept, in admiration and the tears constantly fell as I wept. Joyful tears because you made me feel so complete. The huge nose, red feet, and sixty pounds of extra meat attached to my body was all worth your little heartbeat. As we laid closely beside each other, I was ecstatic to discover that the rhythm of our heartbeats were in sync. You were so unique. I knew that motherhood was a new experience that I never felt but this always felt like much more. Your spirit was so different...I felt it from day one. Our vibe together was beyond mother and child it was a signature bond. 

Although, today I'm no longer guided by your presence, when I’m connected to God I still feel you near. It's starting to be a revelation to me that you’re the driving force of my spirituality. At first I didn’t understand the full purpose in you not being here, but I do understand that I must keep my sanity by becoming one with my bible. I thought my job was to love and guild you but you were sent here to love and guild me. He gave me you for one and a half years knowing that I would long for much more. Taking you was collateral for what he has for me in store. Oh...what I would do to hear my sweet baby boy voice say "Mommy".

You never fully understand why you have to go through what you do, but sometimes the ultimate goal is for God to revive you. Just think, I almost questioned Him about my baby. It's amazing how we tend to question God's ability, but accept the science behind lies of humanity. I’ve concluded that understanding is not always meant to be understood, could is not always the way you think it should, and living sacrifices should not always be viewed as major crisis. It has taken me years to forgive, but I couldn’t let my heart be condemned. So I’ll let it all go, but I want the world to know. That bitter ball of hate that she threw my way, is going to haunt her deep while I’m smiling and well on my way. I have found peace within my struggles,humbleness within my heart, and while love conquers all, I’m delivering my story in parts

Stay tuned for more...'

R.I.P. Handsome Tylan

Below is the link to her blog - to continue following her journey and the story of her sweet baby boy

http://mourningmoms.jimdo.com/

.sadie marie clark.

{this is the story of a baby girl born through miscarriage}

Written by her mother, Shawna

'My husband and I tried for 5 1/2 long years to conceive.

My baby love was conceived because I was raped by someone that I trusted. 

However my husband and I were going to raise the baby never mentioning the situation. 

After all, it's MY baby. And I would love and protect her with everything in me. 

I've never felt so much love come from my heart. It's a shame she was taken from us so soon. I miscarried her. But, I will always remember her for she made me a mom, she is my baby Sadie Marie Clark. And I hurt every single day that my angel was taken from me before I got to say hello."

R.I.P. Beautiful Sadie

*******

http://www.pandys.org/articles/rapeandpregnancy.html

.serenity layla hope.

{This is the story of a beautiful baby girl who was born sleeping on March 11th, 2014

due to the cord being around her neck}

Written by her mother, Jess Irby

'It was April 20,2013 and I had been hanging out with the girls drinking and running around before a lame date I felt guilted into. However as I was leaving one of the girls' house this extra good looking guy I had sort of text from Facebook walked by and I was completely taken over by nerves. Well after that day we started texting and talking nonstop, add the growing feelings and about 3 weeks later he and I started dating. This is where our relationship hit fast forward, he moved in and we started our lives together insanely quick. Well in July we found out we were going to be parents just two months into this new relationship, in September we learned we'd be the proud parents of a baby girl. Around the end of February, early march we set the indication date for our sweet baby girl at this point named, Serenity Layla Hope, for for March 17th at 7:30am.  The weekend of March 8, I started to get overwhelmed with pain, and inconsistent contractions. I held off as long as I could avoiding being sent home from the hospital to wait longer or for our doctors appointment. However, March 11th at around 11ish in the morning my contractions had became too much for me to bear and we started packing bags and preparing for the hospital. We arrived at around 1pm and I had this strange feeling because I hadn't really felt Serenity move a lot in the last few hours but chalked it up to she was on her way. After what felt like a lifetime we were finally admitted in our room in labor and delivery, and the nurse started to hook up the machines, only, the couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. One nurse after another until there were 3 or 4 were in the room and finally they ordered the ultrasound machine where it showed Serenity's heart no longer beating. I was already a hysterical mess at this point. Somewhere in between the doctor, nurses, family , friends, and a myriad of people started showing up and talking and it's all still a blur... Next thing I know is I'm signing papers, getting drugs, and wheeled off for my c-section. I was in a twilight, I remember bargaining with god if she would just somehow be okay when they got her out, I remember Matthew dressed in his daddy' gown gear, and I remember the tug and pull on my belly, and mostly I remember this sweet, chubby cheeked face (6lbs, 3oz; 18.5 in) placed in front of mine and none of my bargaining had worked, she wasn't crying. A few hours later after the drugs wore off I awoke hoping to be from the nightmare I was suddenly in and there she was, not crying, or moving. I remember holding her, inspecting her, loving on her and crying and bargaining more with god for her to just wake up in my arms. The doctor and people came in and informed me her cord got wrapped too tight around her neck and there was nothing that could have been done. Everything is mostly a blur. I remember questions, answers, friends, family, pictures, and all the while I'm just praying to God for him to wake her up, or for me to wake up from the nightmare. I thinking I could update the masses shared on Facebook and got an outpouring of love, support, and ignorance. I didn't know how to handle any of it. There's some stuff that was said that still angers me, still cuts like a knife, and other stuff I frankly don't remember. People were in and out all night, family, friends, nurses, doctors.. It seemed to fly by and drag on all in one mass confusion. And then they came to take her for the night. It was so hard to sleep my first night without her. The next day it was just Matthew, our moms and I with Serenity for a few hours and then we both got released from the hospital, only we went home empty handed. We met with the funeral people, finalized everything and instead of a coming home party, we had successfully planned our first funeral.  The funeral was a beautiful service, much of it still a big blur of faces, songs, and the agony of knowing it would be the last time I saw, held, or kissed my sweet Serenity.'

R.I.P. Precious Serenity

-Below is the link to her blog-

http://serenitylaylahopeirby.blogspot.com/

.angel aloysius hartley.

{this is the story of a baby boy who was born through miscarriage}

Written by his mother, Christina Hartley

'I'll never forget the day we found out we were pregnant on May.14,2013... it was the Monday after Mother's day last year. Charity was only 6 months old. My hubby & I were excited with joy when we saw the two positive lines... we rushed to buy Charity a Big Sister t-shirt to announce it to my family. They were so happy for us. I was so excited to see our baby the following month at the first ultrasound. But our baby could not be found on the ultrasound & I was told I miscarried. Yet to make sure they sent me to radiology. I couldn't believe it, my hubby & I cried together. ..it was the first time I ever saw him cry sad tears. We couldn't believe this was happening to us. But the next morning my doctor called telling me that the radiology ultrasound had found my baby with a heart beat! My baby was alive but the reason they were unable to detect him before was because I was hemorrhaging... then I was given the news that it was unlikely my baby would survive it.  Two weeks later my hope was taken when our little Angel had no longer a beating heart.... I was not bleeding yet...but it would pass. The only regret I have is not seeing our baby's heart beat on the ultrasound. If I could have seen him alive for a second I would have loved that. June.18th 2013 was the saddest day in my mommy life!! I am glad I passed my 6-7weeks baby at home on (June.24th) so I could hold my baby & grieve as much as I needed. We ordered online a small 5" beautiful casket made from Heaven's Gain. I wanted to choose St.Aloysius (his feast day was June.21st) as our baby's patron because he was one of the purest saints known to be more like the angels than that of earth  July.8th we buried our baby, it was a sad yet special day to have the priest give a beautiful blessing with our close families surrounding us. 

I will never forget my Angel Aloysius baby... 

I have yet to meet him and it will be a beautiful day! 

Love mommy, Christina Hartley'

R.I.P. Angel Aloysius

.laiyah skye.

{ This is the story of a precious little girl that was born sleeping on October 6th, 2014 

due to the cord being wrapped around her neck. }

Written by her mother, Quasha Jarvis

'Sunday morning I went to the hospital because Lai wasn't being her normal busy self. They sent me to the triage room and searched and searched for her heartbeat but wouldn't tell me anything so I received an ultrasound and after that was complete my doctor walked in the room with her head down and said "there's no hearbeat" at that moment I lost it, I'm confused. All I hear are those words. I don't understand. She had no reason nothing but sympathy. But I had to deliver. My doctor induced me and advised me to get all the pain medicine to do it as easy as possible but I chose to go completely natural because I knew after I delivered that would be the last I felt of her. Monday October 6th at 12:18am I delivered my baby girl the minute she came out it was obvious why she stopped breathing, Lai was such a busy body she got tied up in her umbilical cord and sadly there was nothing I could do it was to late. I felt the joy of her movement but she moved so much that she couldn't untangle herself. I'm so broken. I have a room full of my daughters things and now she'll never come home. I was so ready to meet her and just as fast as I met her I had to say goodbye. I'm angry. This child was the next piece of my heart. My heart aches. I have to continue to go on because I have a husband and a little boy who needs me but it's hard extremely hard. My daughter was my mini me and I look at my son in amazement because his sister looks identical to him as a baby. How do I cope? I don't know. Everyone keep saying you're so strong but honestly I'm weak I'm fighting a war in my head and I don't see myself out of it. I'm so upset with God because after everything I've endured in life I find my joy in my kids, being a mother is everything to me and now one of my kids are gone. How. Why do I have to bury my child? Everyone keep saying not to lose faith but it's already lost. I'm lost. I'm surrounded by people who love me and want to help see me through but I feel alone. Saturday October 11th I had to bury my daughter..Lai go ahead spread your wings just watch over us

R.I.P Baby Girl'

Quasha has also shared the link to her youtube video. This video shares her raw emotion and feelings as she begins this journey of grieving the loss of her daughter. 

http://youtu.be/rTbkhDV-nKo

She says in the video:

 "I didn't lose a pregnancy. I lost my child."

And she is so right. 

R.I.P. Beautiful Laiyah Skye 

.my miscarriage.

I was 17 years old. It was graduation day of high school. What a day to get a positive pregnancy test. At rehearsal - I felt nauseous, the cigarette smoke of my friend who was driving set that off. I knew that I was pregnant. Right then and there. 17 years old. My mama instincts had already kicked in. I felt so guilty. I didn't want to disappoint my mother. I was terrified to tell her. I didn't want her to think she had failed as a mother. After graduation I was exhausted, for obvious reasons. I slept right through the party my friends were having.

I remember telling my mom. She was out walking the dog around the pond in the neighborhood. I ran out to her, she had to have known something was up. I immediately was shaking and in tears, telling her that she didn't fail as a mother, before I even said that I was pregnant. I knew I couldn't tell my dad. That was something she was going to have to do. 

After that, I told my boyfriend at the time, and then some friends. Names were talked about, ideas in our minds, love in our hearts. It was very early, maybe 8 weeks. I was 17, I didn't know the rules of waiting til 12 weeks. My first appointment, they took the urine test. The nurse said I had to be around 8 weeks along. How she knew that? Beyond me. We went back to the room for the ultrasound. Right away, no heartbeat. The sonographer said something along the lines (and not under her breath), that it was a blessing. 

A blessing? What a rude and hurtful thing to say.

Yes, I was 17.
Yes, I would have been a teen mom.
Yes, I would have struggled.
But a blessing for me to experience this pain?
I don't think so.

This was 8 years ago. I still grieve the loss of this baby. To imagine, I would have an 8 year old right now. Maybe a boy, maybe a girl. What they would look like. Who they would be. The relationship we would have. 

Was it best that I didn't have a child in my teenage years? Probably.
Is it fair to be judged and for my loss to be overlooked because of that? Definitely not. 

Miscarriages matter too.

These are babies that are gone too soon. 

The minute the positive appears, there is love. 

There are dreams of the future that is to come.

-cjsuarez

.my son - oliver felix.

When a child dies, the mother inside does not. 

In fact, her instincts have just greatly intensified.

She is now more than ever before, an advocate for her child.

34 weeks and 5 days. 

That is how long I had with my son.  In that short amount of time, I had to make more life changing and heart wrenching decisions for my child than most of those have to do in a lifetime with theirs. In that short amount of time, my husband and I had to meet with several doctors, making decisions on ending his life, or having hope and letting God and our son make that decision. In that short amount of time, we had to discuss the health plan if our son would have lived outside of the womb, comfort care or life saving measures. In that short amount of time, I was dealing with a mix of excitement for our first born son and mourning the loss of our first born son. In that short amount of time, my husband and I had to decide on the funeral home to cremate our beautiful son. In that short amount of time, we became parents, a mother and a father. 

Oliver may not be here physically, but he is here with me every second of every minute of every hour of every single day. He has never left me, as I have never left him. He is not here to speak for himself, to share his journey, to show his accomplishments. That is my job, that is what I do on a daily basis. Those who speak his name, those who remember him with me, are proof that I am doing my job. Proof that I have not failed as a mother. Oliver is working through me constantly and I am forever grateful I was chosen to be his mother. Oliver made me a mother, his mother, the mother I am today.