.six, one, high risk and ivf.

{this is the story of a mama who has had several losses}

This is my story. We started ttc 2009 and I got pregnant a month later but miscarried. Six months after that I miscarried again and a third one after that. I was devastated and felt so lost. 

At this point we finally found why and I have a genetic balanced translocation with a very high risk to miscarry as the fetus might get severe diseases and abnormalities. We don’t know the exact % but in general they say more than 50% of the embryos inherit a genetic variation of my translocation which leads to death.  

So, I got pregnant a 4th time and got a daughter after a very tough pregnancy with a lot of anxiety - I also got an epileptic seizure during labor which put as both in danger. Luckily it all went well. 

After Ebba we paused for a year and a half and then decided to give it a new try. I miscarried at 10 weeks, 4 weeks and 17 weeks in a row. 

Now we are getting help with IVF PGD which is IVF with genetic analysis of the embryos where they only transfer healthy ones back. 

Our first PGD cycle failed and right now I’m devastated - got the bad news last week. Follow my journey here on Instagram when we are trying for cycle number two. 

Love, Sandra

{will update with Instagram name to follow Sandra}

.sadie marie clark.

{this is the story of a baby girl born through miscarriage}

Written by her mother, Shawna

'My husband and I tried for 5 1/2 long years to conceive.

My baby love was conceived because I was raped by someone that I trusted. 

However my husband and I were going to raise the baby never mentioning the situation. 

After all, it's MY baby. And I would love and protect her with everything in me. 

I've never felt so much love come from my heart. It's a shame she was taken from us so soon. I miscarried her. But, I will always remember her for she made me a mom, she is my baby Sadie Marie Clark. And I hurt every single day that my angel was taken from me before I got to say hello."

R.I.P. Beautiful Sadie

*******

http://www.pandys.org/articles/rapeandpregnancy.html

.angel aloysius hartley.

{this is the story of a baby boy who was born through miscarriage}

Written by his mother, Christina Hartley

'I'll never forget the day we found out we were pregnant on May.14,2013... it was the Monday after Mother's day last year. Charity was only 6 months old. My hubby & I were excited with joy when we saw the two positive lines... we rushed to buy Charity a Big Sister t-shirt to announce it to my family. They were so happy for us. I was so excited to see our baby the following month at the first ultrasound. But our baby could not be found on the ultrasound & I was told I miscarried. Yet to make sure they sent me to radiology. I couldn't believe it, my hubby & I cried together. ..it was the first time I ever saw him cry sad tears. We couldn't believe this was happening to us. But the next morning my doctor called telling me that the radiology ultrasound had found my baby with a heart beat! My baby was alive but the reason they were unable to detect him before was because I was hemorrhaging... then I was given the news that it was unlikely my baby would survive it.  Two weeks later my hope was taken when our little Angel had no longer a beating heart.... I was not bleeding yet...but it would pass. The only regret I have is not seeing our baby's heart beat on the ultrasound. If I could have seen him alive for a second I would have loved that. June.18th 2013 was the saddest day in my mommy life!! I am glad I passed my 6-7weeks baby at home on (June.24th) so I could hold my baby & grieve as much as I needed. We ordered online a small 5" beautiful casket made from Heaven's Gain. I wanted to choose St.Aloysius (his feast day was June.21st) as our baby's patron because he was one of the purest saints known to be more like the angels than that of earth  July.8th we buried our baby, it was a sad yet special day to have the priest give a beautiful blessing with our close families surrounding us. 

I will never forget my Angel Aloysius baby... 

I have yet to meet him and it will be a beautiful day! 

Love mommy, Christina Hartley'

R.I.P. Angel Aloysius

.my miscarriage.

I was 17 years old. It was graduation day of high school. What a day to get a positive pregnancy test. At rehearsal - I felt nauseous, the cigarette smoke of my friend who was driving set that off. I knew that I was pregnant. Right then and there. 17 years old. My mama instincts had already kicked in. I felt so guilty. I didn't want to disappoint my mother. I was terrified to tell her. I didn't want her to think she had failed as a mother. After graduation I was exhausted, for obvious reasons. I slept right through the party my friends were having.

I remember telling my mom. She was out walking the dog around the pond in the neighborhood. I ran out to her, she had to have known something was up. I immediately was shaking and in tears, telling her that she didn't fail as a mother, before I even said that I was pregnant. I knew I couldn't tell my dad. That was something she was going to have to do. 

After that, I told my boyfriend at the time, and then some friends. Names were talked about, ideas in our minds, love in our hearts. It was very early, maybe 8 weeks. I was 17, I didn't know the rules of waiting til 12 weeks. My first appointment, they took the urine test. The nurse said I had to be around 8 weeks along. How she knew that? Beyond me. We went back to the room for the ultrasound. Right away, no heartbeat. The sonographer said something along the lines (and not under her breath), that it was a blessing. 

A blessing? What a rude and hurtful thing to say.

Yes, I was 17.
Yes, I would have been a teen mom.
Yes, I would have struggled.
But a blessing for me to experience this pain?
I don't think so.

This was 8 years ago. I still grieve the loss of this baby. To imagine, I would have an 8 year old right now. Maybe a boy, maybe a girl. What they would look like. Who they would be. The relationship we would have. 

Was it best that I didn't have a child in my teenage years? Probably.
Is it fair to be judged and for my loss to be overlooked because of that? Definitely not. 

Miscarriages matter too.

These are babies that are gone too soon. 

The minute the positive appears, there is love. 

There are dreams of the future that is to come.

-cjsuarez