These letters are written to mothers who are going through this journey, those who don't understand why we chose this path, and those who simply want to see what the thinking behind our choice was.
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My daughter passed away at 18 weeks due to Turners Syndrome. I found out during my NT scan that she had a cystic hygroma and fetal hydrops at 12 weeks I was devastated, that same day they sent me to have the CVS procedure done. When I went home and told my family the news they immediately began telling me that I shouldn't bring a sick child into the world because they would only be suffering and that the family would suffer along with the child my husband had the same mindset. That night went I went to bed I began thinking about what I wanted after all I'm carrying the baby in my womb, and what I could live with. I came to the decision that I wouldn't terminate the pregnancy even if the baby was diagnosed with something. A week later I got the result that I was having a precious baby girl with Turners Syndrome. I was a bit relieved that it wasn't something else, but at that she only had a 2% chance of making it to term because of her cystic hygroma and hydrops. I prayed and remained with hope that she would be the miracle that would make it. I had purchased a doppler and I would listen to her heart beat every morning and that would help me get thru the day. At 18 weeks on 05/24/13 the day that I was going to have done an ultrasound and a echo cardiogram to check her heart. I checked for her heartbeat as I did every morning and I couldn't find it. I knew my beautiful little girl was gone they did an ultrasound at the hospital to confirm a few hours later and she had passed away. I chose to be induced because I wanted to meet my little one the doctors warned me that she would look different because of the excess skin of the cystic hygroma. It didn't matter to me I loved her and that was all that mattered she was beautiful to me. Losing her was the hardest thing, but if I had to everything all over again I would do it in a heartbeat. That was her battle not mine. Who am I to decide when her life would end this was her battle and I would let her live for as long as she could and I loved her every second of everyday and held onto hope that she would make it. I carry a little piece of her with me everywhere as I got her hand print and foot print tattooed on my wrist that way I am never without her.
-Maria's Mom
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When I was first making my decision I knew I wanted to carry, but I was scared that I'd make Christian suffer. Perinatal Hospice reassured me that if he was born alive they would do whatever they could to make him comfortable. And the more I thought about it, I thought that termination would cause suffering for the baby in its own way. One doctor kind of made me feel like I was putting my baby through suffering just so I wouldn't have guilt, but he must not have been thinking about how unpleasant termination would be for the baby. This was my baby and I wasn't comfortable with his logic of just getting it over with. I just pictured what it would be like to terminate my much wanted and much loved baby and all I could picture was myself sobbing and saying "I'm so sorry" to Christian. But with my decision I never felt like I had to say sorry to Christian. It was a hard few months of the unknowns, but carrying him is something that I'll never regret. And when I got to hold Christian, even though he was stillborn, it was all worth it because I got to spend time with him and felt at peace as much as I could at that moment knowing I didn't have to think of the what-ifs.
- Christian's Mom
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Why didn't I terminate you ask? Sure, it would be easier and I might already be pregnant again with a "normal" baby, but how could I so easily forget the life I have had inside me for 21 weeks now. The life that I felt occasionally wiggle around, the lfie that I long to see a heartbeat on every two weeks.
Sure, it might be easier because my child will no know pain or suffering. It might even be easier because I could ask to not even see my child. What you don't know can't hurt you right?
I chose to carry my son because of the immense love I felt the moment the stick said "Pregnant." The immense love continued to grow every time I saw that little heartbeat. I can still remember hearing it fill the room the first time with the doppler. I cried, and I cry now just thinking about it. That same immense love I keep talking about, it continued to grow as I sat in the hospital for 5 and 1/2 weeks trying to give my angel every chance at life I could, even if it was going to be short. Three times a day, for 5 and 1/2 weeks I sat listening to my son's heart galloping through my empty hospital room. My goodness, I had no idea what love was like until those moments with just my son and I.
And then the day came, 6 days after I had given birth to say goodbye to my sweet angel, and not once did I utter the words "I am sorry," to my son. All I kept saying was "I love you, and I wanted you so badly." Holding his beautiful little body as he left the world will always be the hardest thing I've ever done, but those moments were amazing. I can say that my child never felt any pain, sadness or anger. All my son felt was the never ending love that I gave him from the moment he was just a speck on the screen, to the moment he was 2 lbs, 1 oz.
Why didn't I terminate? If I never get to carry a child inside me again, I know that for the brief time I was pregnant, my body was a beautiful, amazing home to my gorgeous son. I count every stretch mark I have, 6 months later, and I wear them as a badge of honor, for every mark to me is proof that I loved another human being beyond measure.
-Charles' Mom
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We were given a poor diagnosis around 12 weeks. Each appointment just confirmed the previous findings. We were holding on to hope that we would beat the odds. At our 20 week scan, the doctor told us that he wasn’t going to make it and laid out our options. We had chosen to terminate that weekend. Monday was the appointment. I received a call from Kathy, I told her I didn’t really want to talk, I was in shut down mode at this point. She told me that she would touch back in with me and put the idea in my mind, that I could continue this pregnancy. Once I found out how the process was, to stop my baby’s heart, I just didn’t think I could go through with it. I didn’t want him to suffer, I didn’t want to make that choice. We had an appointment Friday with a specialist. I spent that week at home, bonding with my little boy. He was kicking and dancing and going crazy in my belly. By Friday – I couldn’t go through with our original plan. We thought if we terminate we can try again and be pregnant before the end of the year. How selfish I feel saying that out loud now. I spent a week with my baby boy and I knew it wasn’t my decision to end his journey. It was our job to fight for his journey. The doctors said he wouldn’t make it much longer. They were wrong. We beat the odds, just not the odds we wanted. Oliver was with us for 34 weeks and 5 days, we watched him kick in my belly and listened to his heart beat every night. We played music for him and watched as he kicked his feet to the beat. We made memories with our son. After meeting him and seeing how much he looked like me and his daddy, kissing him, staring at his beautiful face and full head of hair, how could I have even considered terminating? Our bond continues to grow, I write letters to him every night, talking to him, telling him about the memories we made and about his family and how we look forward to seeing him again. Oliver knew no pain. He only knew love and warmth. I thank God every day for blessing us with this miracle baby.
- Oliver's Mom
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