.carrying to term.

Below are letters written by mothers who carried to term, despite a poor or fatal prenatal diagnosis.

These letters are written to mothers who are going through this journey, those who don't understand why we chose this path, and those who simply want to see what the thinking behind our choice was.

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My daughter passed away at 18 weeks due to Turners Syndrome. I found out during my NT scan that she had a cystic hygroma and fetal hydrops at 12 weeks I was devastated, that same day they sent me to have the CVS procedure done. When I went home and told my family the news they immediately began telling me that I shouldn't bring a sick child into the world because they would only be suffering and that the family would suffer along with the child my husband had the same mindset. That night went I went to bed I began thinking about what I wanted after all I'm carrying the baby in my womb, and what I could live with. I came to the decision that I wouldn't terminate the pregnancy even if the baby was diagnosed with something. A week later I got the result that I was having a precious baby girl with Turners Syndrome. I was a bit relieved that it wasn't something else, but at that she only had a 2% chance of making it to term because of her cystic hygroma and hydrops. I prayed and remained with hope that she would be the miracle that would make it. I had purchased a doppler and I would listen to her heart beat every morning and that would help me get thru the day. At 18 weeks on 05/24/13 the day that I was going to have done an ultrasound and a echo cardiogram to check her heart. I checked for her heartbeat as I did every morning and I couldn't find it. I knew my beautiful little girl was gone they did an ultrasound at the hospital to confirm a few hours later and she had passed away. I chose to be induced because I wanted to meet my little one the doctors warned me that she would look different because of the excess skin of the cystic hygroma. It didn't matter to me I loved her and that was all that mattered she was beautiful to me. Losing her was the hardest thing, but if I had to everything all over again I would do it in a heartbeat. That was her battle not mine. Who am I to decide when her life would end this was her battle and I would let her live for as long as she could and I loved her every second of everyday and held onto hope that she would make it. I carry a little piece of her with me everywhere as I got her hand print and foot print tattooed on my wrist that way I am never without her.

-Maria's Mom

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When I was first making my decision I knew I wanted to carry, but I was scared that I'd make Christian suffer. Perinatal Hospice reassured me that if he was born alive they would do whatever they could to make him comfortable. And the more I thought about it, I thought that termination would cause suffering for the baby in its own way. One doctor kind of made me feel like I was putting my baby through suffering just so I wouldn't have guilt, but he must not have been thinking about how unpleasant termination would be for the baby. This was my baby and I wasn't comfortable with his logic of just getting it over with. I just pictured what it would be like to terminate my much wanted and much loved baby and all I could picture was myself sobbing and saying "I'm so sorry" to Christian. But with my decision I never felt like I had to say sorry to Christian. It was a hard few months of the unknowns, but carrying him is something that I'll never regret. And when I got to hold Christian, even though he was stillborn, it was all worth it because I got to spend time with him and felt at peace as much as I could at that moment knowing I didn't have to think of the what-ifs.

- Christian's Mom

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Why didn't I terminate you ask?  Sure, it would be easier and I might already be pregnant again with a "normal" baby, but how could I so easily forget the life I have had inside me for 21 weeks now.  The life that I felt occasionally wiggle around, the lfie that I long to see a heartbeat on every two weeks. 

Sure, it might be easier because my child will no know pain or suffering.  It might even be easier because I could ask to not even see my child.  What you don't know can't hurt you right?

I chose to carry my son because of the immense love I felt the moment the stick said "Pregnant."  The immense love continued to grow every time I saw that little heartbeat.  I can still remember hearing it fill the room the first time with the doppler.  I cried, and I cry now just thinking about it.  That same immense love I keep talking about, it continued to grow as I sat in the hospital for 5 and 1/2 weeks trying to give my angel every chance at life I could, even if it was going to be short.  Three times a day, for 5 and 1/2 weeks I sat listening to my son's heart galloping through my empty hospital room.  My goodness, I had no idea what love was like until those moments with just my son and I. 

And then the day came, 6 days after I had given birth to say goodbye to my sweet angel, and not once did I utter the words "I am sorry," to my son.  All I kept saying was "I love you, and I wanted you so badly."  Holding his beautiful little body as he left the world will always be the hardest thing I've ever done, but those moments were amazing.  I can say that my child never felt any pain, sadness or anger.  All my son felt was the never ending love that I gave him from the moment he was just a speck on the screen, to the moment he was 2 lbs, 1 oz. 

Why didn't I terminate?  If I never get to carry a child inside me again, I know that for the brief time I was pregnant, my body was a beautiful, amazing home to my gorgeous son.  I count every stretch mark I have, 6 months later, and I wear them as a badge of honor, for every mark to me is proof that I loved another human being beyond measure. 

-Charles' Mom

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We were given a poor diagnosis around 12 weeks. Each appointment just confirmed the previous findings. We were holding on to hope that we would beat the odds. At our 20 week scan, the doctor told us that he wasn’t going to make it and laid out our options. We had chosen to terminate that weekend. Monday was the appointment. I received a call from Kathy, I told her I didn’t really want to talk, I was in shut down mode at this point. She told me that she would touch back in with me and put the idea in my mind, that I could continue this pregnancy. Once I found out how the process was, to stop my baby’s heart, I just didn’t think I could go through with it. I didn’t want him to suffer, I didn’t want to make that choice. We had an appointment Friday with a specialist. I spent that week at home, bonding with my little boy. He was kicking and dancing and going crazy in my belly. By Friday – I couldn’t go through with our original plan.  We thought if we terminate we can try again and be pregnant before the end of the year. How selfish I feel saying that out loud now. I spent a week with my baby boy and I knew it wasn’t my decision to end his journey. It was our job to fight for his journey. The doctors said he wouldn’t make it much longer. They were wrong. We beat the odds, just not the odds we wanted. Oliver was with us for 34 weeks and 5 days, we watched him kick in my belly and listened to his heart beat every night. We played music for him and watched as he kicked his feet to the beat. We made memories with our son. After meeting him and seeing how much he looked like me and his daddy, kissing him, staring at his beautiful face and full head of hair, how could I have even considered terminating? Our bond continues to grow, I write letters to him every night, talking to him, telling him about the memories we made and about his family and how we look forward to seeing him again.  Oliver knew no pain. He only knew love and warmth. I thank God every day for blessing us with this miracle baby.

- Oliver's Mom

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.mama blogs.

Here is a list of the blogs by our fellow mamas. 

{Feel free to head over to any page & read about their journey.} 

• oliverfelixsuarez.blogspot.com

• http://mourningmoms.jimdo.com/

• http://serenitylaylahopeirby.blogspot.com/

• http://lovelilyjay.blogspot.com/2014/08/our-story.html?m=1

• https://miracleforbabyerwin.wordpress.com/

• http://willamichele.blogspot.com/

• http://lovingsilas.blogspot.com/2014/09/birth-part-1-every-thing-is-going-to-be.html

• http://www.tothelostones.com/

.lily jay.

{This is the story of a precious baby girl born sleeping on June 10th, 2014}

Written by her mother, Mary

[Below is a piece of her blog]

''On Monday, June 9th I started to have contractions. I called the dr. to see if I should go in and I was asked if I felt her kicking.  Come to think of it, I didn't feel her much that day but I ate something sweet and waited for the kicks.  Lily Jay was a kicker the whole 9 months and on June 9th, she stopped kicking.  I thought it was weird but I was told it was probably because she had no more room to kick.  Fair enough, that totally made sense.  They asked if I wanted to come in or wait for the contractions to get stronger.  I decided to go in and start this process to finally see my baby girl.

I checked into the hospital and when they went to check the heart beat, there was no sound.  I was thinking, maybe thats not the right machine and they were looking for something else.  Then the dr came in with the ultrasound machine.  That was the moment our lives crumbled, there was no movement.

The dr. calmly said, "I'm sorry, there's no heart beat".  I couldn't even cry because I was in such shock, I didn't understand how this can even happen. The dr. said, "It just does, it can just happen".  He then explained that I would have to deliver her naturally since a c-section was pointless at this point. I begged to just have the surgery done because I didn't think I could mentally handle all of this.  Unfortunately my crying and begging was denied and I prepared myself to deliver my precious Lily Jay. 

The next day on June 10th at 5:17pm, after 24 hours of labor my little angel was born. Weighing 5lbs 15oz and 21inches, happiest moment of my life was the saddest day of my life. The baby I loved and carried for 9 months was gone.  My body was empty, my arms were empty and now my heart was empty.  She was literally the most beautiful baby I have ever seen and Im not just saying that because I created her.  She looked JUST like my husband did as a baby and had his beautiful full hair. My husband and I spent time with her the next day and promised her that she would never be forgotten and she would always be our little girl.

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Again, I am a believer in everything happening for a reason and I like to see  Lily as only a positive in our lives.  Although the outcome was not ideal, she made me and Johnny way better people.  We got married, moved out of a less than ideal neighborhood, my husband went back to school at night and I left a stressful job.  She made us realize that things that seemed to matter and make us upset, don't really matter.  She made us appreciate life more, live life more and to not sweat the small stuff. We decided to have her cremated so that we can spread her ashes in places that make us happy.  We live in San Francisco and love to drive up and down the coast.  The weekend before she passed we took that long drive and talked about all the places we were going to take her. I will keep my promise and take her there, spread some of her ashes and just know that every time I see the ocean, she's there. Another way we want to honor her is to spread her ashes in the soil and grow lilies. The most important thing to me is to not let her be forgotten and I will honor my little ones life the best I can. 


And to Lily Jay Lucatero, thank you. You have made both of your parents who they are today. Fly high my angel, mommy and daddy love you.' 

Below is the link to her blog to follow her journey

http://lovelilyjay.blogspot.com/2014/08/our-story.html?m=1

R.I.P. Beautiful Lily Jay

.tylan neil baskin.

{this is the story of a baby boy who passed away 

after due to heart complications}

Written by his mother, Katrina

'It was spring, March to be exact, when I found out there was a sweet child growing on the inside of me. I was afraid yet excited to take on this drastic change into motherhood. I never thought I would become a mom so young, but then again not fully thinking is what brought me into this situation. Each day became a new experience as I watched my belly stretch and become round and tight. Not being able to properly sweep the floor was the assurance that this was by far much more. More than I could image, that is. Heartburn and I became quite the friends to each other as I grasp for air by night. I found it difficult to wash my hair and my back became one with my hips and thighs. That round tip of my nose spread to the point of no return and the rising of my cheeks still bring me to haunting memories. All of these things seem like they were the worst  possible but they made me even more curious to see the guy behind the change.

As though things weren’t already enough, I was about to enter into a crisis like never before. Little did I know, my pregnancy was about to travel on a road of pure darkness. This darkness I’m speaking of was a never ending drama filled feast. A feast in which I wasn’t warned of or knew how to properly handle. For I was about to deal with the harsh reality of family. I know you maybe puzzled so let me explain. Family is defined as a specific group of people that make up partners, parents, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, and in-laws. Typically, the members within the family tend to love and support each other for their growing efforts. This surely wasn’t the case for me. Just as always I was singled out and criticized. Even though my unborn child had nothing to do with this, he was a part of me so he was hated from the very second of conception. You see, I thought that my son was a blessing but not all viewed him this way. The thought of me giving birth seem to upset a few people and they were sure to express it throughout the entire pregnancy.

On one particular morning, I was awake by a phone call. Clueless to the fact, but this conversation would be the molding structure of my life. I was awaken by a raging voice constantly screaming every negative and degrading word possible. The reality of what was being said was overwhelming. To avoid listening to this toxic, I immediately disconnected the call. Within seconds, she repeatedly dialed my number. I then took it upon myself to completely turn the device off. After about fifteen minutes later, I power my device back up only to find a voice message. Although I wasn’t expecting it to be anything positive, I definitely wasn’t expecting to hear an earful of threats about terminating the life of me and my unborn. I had already dealt with this issue seven and a half months, which was the term within my pregnancy, and this was by far the drawing line. Being an adult, I find it unrealistic that a young lady and mother can even get to a level of disrespect to hurt or harm an unborn child. Especially, to a child that is her very own family member. Even so, I rose in rage and the anger in my body flowed throughout my veins like loose water in a garden hose. Just as most women do, I called my mom and she immediately came to my rescue. Shortly after, I became very ill. I was rushed to the local hospital in which I was misdiagnosed. Luckily, I was released on a Saturday and had an appointment with my doctor on that following Monday.  

Monday morning as I strolled into the clinic the nurse begin her procedures. As she begin taking my blood pressure she notice that something wasn’t quite right. She then immediately call doctors to discuss what she saw. As they all huddle around me, I feared something was terribly wrong. Soon after I found myself being admitted to the ER for emergency delivery. My blood pressure was sky-high and both my unborn and I were at risk of losing our lives again.

On Oct. 10, 2006, you appeared. My first glance startled me a bit. It hit me that I was finally a mother. Tylan Neil Baskin, the first born for the both of us, weighting in at 5lbs 6oz. Quite amazing, he was almost the same exact size as I when my mother birthed me. My little Neil you were the most precious gift and nothing else was equal to your worth. Your beady eyes were locked in with mines and the grip of your fragile little fingers were tightly wrap around my hand. I watched you as you slept, in admiration and the tears constantly fell as I wept. Joyful tears because you made me feel so complete. The huge nose, red feet, and sixty pounds of extra meat attached to my body was all worth your little heartbeat. As we laid closely beside each other, I was ecstatic to discover that the rhythm of our heartbeats were in sync. You were so unique. I knew that motherhood was a new experience that I never felt but this always felt like much more. Your spirit was so different...I felt it from day one. Our vibe together was beyond mother and child it was a signature bond. 

Although, today I'm no longer guided by your presence, when I’m connected to God I still feel you near. It's starting to be a revelation to me that you’re the driving force of my spirituality. At first I didn’t understand the full purpose in you not being here, but I do understand that I must keep my sanity by becoming one with my bible. I thought my job was to love and guild you but you were sent here to love and guild me. He gave me you for one and a half years knowing that I would long for much more. Taking you was collateral for what he has for me in store. Oh...what I would do to hear my sweet baby boy voice say "Mommy".

You never fully understand why you have to go through what you do, but sometimes the ultimate goal is for God to revive you. Just think, I almost questioned Him about my baby. It's amazing how we tend to question God's ability, but accept the science behind lies of humanity. I’ve concluded that understanding is not always meant to be understood, could is not always the way you think it should, and living sacrifices should not always be viewed as major crisis. It has taken me years to forgive, but I couldn’t let my heart be condemned. So I’ll let it all go, but I want the world to know. That bitter ball of hate that she threw my way, is going to haunt her deep while I’m smiling and well on my way. I have found peace within my struggles,humbleness within my heart, and while love conquers all, I’m delivering my story in parts

Stay tuned for more...'

R.I.P. Handsome Tylan

Below is the link to her blog - to continue following her journey and the story of her sweet baby boy

http://mourningmoms.jimdo.com/

.sadie marie clark.

{this is the story of a baby girl born through miscarriage}

Written by her mother, Shawna

'My husband and I tried for 5 1/2 long years to conceive.

My baby love was conceived because I was raped by someone that I trusted. 

However my husband and I were going to raise the baby never mentioning the situation. 

After all, it's MY baby. And I would love and protect her with everything in me. 

I've never felt so much love come from my heart. It's a shame she was taken from us so soon. I miscarried her. But, I will always remember her for she made me a mom, she is my baby Sadie Marie Clark. And I hurt every single day that my angel was taken from me before I got to say hello."

R.I.P. Beautiful Sadie

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http://www.pandys.org/articles/rapeandpregnancy.html