.my miscarriage.

I was 17 years old. It was graduation day of high school. What a day to get a positive pregnancy test. At rehearsal - I felt nauseous, the cigarette smoke of my friend who was driving set that off. I knew that I was pregnant. Right then and there. 17 years old. My mama instincts had already kicked in. I felt so guilty. I didn't want to disappoint my mother. I was terrified to tell her. I didn't want her to think she had failed as a mother. After graduation I was exhausted, for obvious reasons. I slept right through the party my friends were having.

I remember telling my mom. She was out walking the dog around the pond in the neighborhood. I ran out to her, she had to have known something was up. I immediately was shaking and in tears, telling her that she didn't fail as a mother, before I even said that I was pregnant. I knew I couldn't tell my dad. That was something she was going to have to do. 

After that, I told my boyfriend at the time, and then some friends. Names were talked about, ideas in our minds, love in our hearts. It was very early, maybe 8 weeks. I was 17, I didn't know the rules of waiting til 12 weeks. My first appointment, they took the urine test. The nurse said I had to be around 8 weeks along. How she knew that? Beyond me. We went back to the room for the ultrasound. Right away, no heartbeat. The sonographer said something along the lines (and not under her breath), that it was a blessing. 

A blessing? What a rude and hurtful thing to say.

Yes, I was 17.
Yes, I would have been a teen mom.
Yes, I would have struggled.
But a blessing for me to experience this pain?
I don't think so.

This was 8 years ago. I still grieve the loss of this baby. To imagine, I would have an 8 year old right now. Maybe a boy, maybe a girl. What they would look like. Who they would be. The relationship we would have. 

Was it best that I didn't have a child in my teenage years? Probably.
Is it fair to be judged and for my loss to be overlooked because of that? Definitely not. 

Miscarriages matter too.

These are babies that are gone too soon. 

The minute the positive appears, there is love. 

There are dreams of the future that is to come.

-cjsuarez